This post is probably going to alienate a few people. See, I’ve been feeling rather nostalgic for home of late (what, didn’t my 90s post give it away?) Proceed with caution.

You might be able to relate to the nostalgia; we live in a shit and crazy world these days. The recent terrorist attacks in Belgium are a fresh pick at a scab that will probably never heal. Granted, terrorism isn’t a new thing but I was naive growing up so it doesn’t appear in my memory much, if at all. It really was a golden time in my mind’s eye. Prices  and shoulder pads were sensible, music was truly genius, organic was a natural state of affairs and each morning was ever ripe with possibility.

I miss my family like you wouldn’t believe. I am longing to be back in idyllic Kenya with my head in mother’s lap listening to her voice as she tells me a story. I want to be back with my friends of childhood, never mind that they have moved on and have children of their own. I long to chase my siblings around the compound, they were always too quick for me. I miss dreaming about what I would be when I grow up – the dreams seem so stale now that I am all grown up.

I am incredibly lucky to make Australia my home – the heart swells and threatens to burst with joy when I think of the journey that has brought me this far and the opportunities that abound in this place that has welcomed me with wide open arms.

So then why do I feel so paralysed? Caught in the middle? I’m convinced a visit to mother is necessary. But until then, everything seems to have lost a little of its flavour, some of its lustre, and is missing a touch of charm.

Are you like me, a migrant that belongs everywhere yet nowhere?
A little lost at the same time a little grounded?
Are you per chance, a little homesick?


16 thoughts on “paralysis

  1. I’m listening to a siren at the moment, as they’re checking to make sure emergency procedures are in place. To block it out, I’m listening to the latest episode of Quantico. I mean, talk about a hot mess. The recent terror attacks made me want to give up on everything creative. But I thought why am I arranging my schedule to accommodate these fools?

    I am an expatriate and my family is also transplanted in three or four countries. When I get homesick, it can be for a number of places but this makes me even more anxious. There is no cure for homesickness. Perhaps your creative muses are calling out for a tribute.

    Bloody sirens!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You really are a kindred spirit. My family is similarly in more places around the globe so a visit to one is always at the expense of the others – anxiety inducing indeed. Time and treasury are both finite 😦
      A tribute may be just what I need SB, thank you for suggesting – I shall get to work rightaway.

      Meanwhile, would not have pegged you for a Quantico girl but hey, you are always full of surprises. Volume up!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it’s perfectly normal to be homesick, Payal. You’re homesick not only for Kenya, but also for some very special memories. Those memories will always be there for you, and you can visit family in Kenya on occasion. You are a citizen of two remarkably beautiful countries and that is amazing.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That’s it Rob, I am sick for both a time and a place and only one of these can be reproduced albeit not entirely faithfully. The problem with visits is that they seldom coincide with homesickness (not that I am not happy to visit). I think it just means now that I must accelerate all plans 🙂
      And yes, I am so happy and lucky to belong to two beautiful homes. Visit me, I will show you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Deb says:

    Homesickness can hit hard. Especially when it’s memories that are doing the hitting. I get homesick and am only a few miles from home. Just sit back and look around you. You will see a lot that you love about your current home,and it will be a lot better. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve never tried living abroad, but I feel like I know what you mean. Many people don’t understand why I’m comfortable moving houses and not owning a house. My husband says, I don’t have “roots”. I guess home is where I plant myself in (at the moment), but a part of my home will always be where my parents are, wherever they are, and I do still miss them even when I’m only 2 hours away. I haven’t lived there since I was 17 but from time to time, I miss the feeling of going home to them everyday.

    Anyway, I hope you’d see your mom soon. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Rae. Missing someone can be a deep ache, no matter the geographical distance so I agree with you – even if your parents are a couple of hours away, it is the fact that it is no longer part of your daily life to see them that makes it nostalgic. There is a beautiful Portuguese word for it: saudade.
      I have saudade.


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